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Dear Jake,

Thanks for showing an early affinity toward drumming. The coolest kids in the marching band were drummers, as I recall. Maybe someday you, too, can be in the marching band like your mom.

Alternatively, you could use your drumming skills for something more socially acceptable, like being in a cool jam band or impressing hippy girls at impromptu drum circles. For advice on these matters please forego me speak directly with Uncle Dave. I'll be polishing my flute.

Love,

Mom